Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
