I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
