remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
