I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
