This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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