oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
