i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
