oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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