i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Let's get the cat blown out
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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