No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Congratulations! We have a period
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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