There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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