every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
