Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
