When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
