i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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