dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he fucked my hip out of place.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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