If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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