I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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