You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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