oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
