Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
