I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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