Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
