We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
