so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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