He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize