What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
