he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
