I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
