JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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