PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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