so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
