I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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