apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
