She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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