Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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