had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
