I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
