there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
