I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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