This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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