can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
