genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
