Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
