dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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