I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
