What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
