Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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