How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
