Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
