So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
