my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
