shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
