My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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