my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
