I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
